I'm trying really hard not to get nervous. I have a meeting with my boss on Monday about how my job's going to change as our school merges with a couple of others. We've been told that no one's getting fired, but still meetings with my boss get me nervous. I think that's a throwback to when I had loads of meetings with Tanya about my behaviour during the hellish difficulties my family went through last year. So my heart's gonna be a-thudding quickly come Monday morning at 10am. Think of me and pray for me!

I don't argue with my Mum about much - it used to be the clothes I wear to the theatre and church lol. Now, it's hardly anything, especially since I've moved out and am at an age where I can do what I like. Today was one of those rare times.

As Si staying in Thailand til, like, February, Mum wants us all to go out there for Christmas. However, this involves having a handful of injections, at least one of which made Si feel very green and sick afterwards. The one thing I am absolutely phobically scared of is injections - I have cried hysterically at every single one, from blood test to TB ones. When I had to have ones in my mouth for my teeth to be removed for my brace, I had to be sedated because I was so hysterical. I am not proud of this phobia, but it is the only thing guaranteed to be make me unhinged. I don't think I can go through with them, not even for seeing Si and going to Thailand. Mum tried to talk me round, pointing out that I'll have to have other injections for things later on in life. Yes, some will be unavoidable but the ones I can avoid, I will. Part of me wants to go through with it because I'll get to visit a brand new country and spend Christmas in a completely different way and see Si, but the other side of me cowers in hysterical fear. I am not sure which side will win.

I am tense and tired just thinking about tomorrow. I have two job interviews, the one in the morning for the job I'm currently doing. Management have been keeping me hanging about whether my job will exist after next month when the school I work for merges with two other schools on campus and so a lot of staff from all three will be cut. So I have begun looking for other options and one of them I'm being interviewed for tomorrow afternoon, an admin position in the university registry department which would be full time and a lot more of a challenge which I really think I need.

Unfortunately, I'll be seeing Evelyne and John, scary managerial types for the job I'm doing, first and I don't want to upset them by telling them I would like to keep on doing this job so I can accept provisionally, if they offer me it, but might not take if something better comes along. They are tough, driven people who make me feel about an inch tall on many occasions. And I don't want them offering my job to someone else after our meeting cos if I don't get the registry one I am royally screwed. *sighs* And I always get nervous about job interviews and meetings anyway. It's not gonna be a fun day. I just wanna hide in my room with my laptop. Wouldn't help me work out my future but it would make me feel better.

Things have taken a distinctive downward turn in my family.

In a few weeks, Mum goes in for her operation to recover the tiny cancerous tumor in one of her breasts. She is composed and calm about this, however Dad has begun to show signs that he is unable to cope with life again. It appears that he's going much in the same direction he went in a couple of years ago when he had a mental breakdown. He was sent home from work yesterday because he couldn't cope and has taken to sleeping for large quantities of the day and is refusing to talk about it all. It seems that a combination of his mother's terminal illness, stress at work, and Mum's operation is pushing him over the edge again.

Mum is pretty low about it all as right now, she really needs Dad's support and he's just unable to cope with it all. He may also be drinking again in an attempt to deal with everything. Dad has never been good at talking to people and expects everyone to immediately give him the attention and sympathy he needs when he has a meltdown. There's so much unfinished business in his family that's definitely part of this and mostly, he just wants to put the covers over his head and hope that the world goes away. That may sound harsh, but my Dad is an extremely complicated man with a great many issues that he refuses to deal with and it wears us all down, especially Mum who has been amazingly patient and supportive of him. Right now, she needs him to stop thinking about how all these things could affect him (he is very much of the 'I'm the only victim' mentality) and instead consider how they are affecting the people these things are happening to. Ick, it's a mess. Please send all good thoughts and prayers to my family, we could use them right now.